Pushing Forward

Now, it’s been a few days since then, and my mind has settled and I can talk about it now.

So let’s start with a fun fact: If you open yourself up, God is going to move.
I know, right?  Simple in knowledge, but taking it to heart is a whole separate issue.

I feel like He is calling me forward.  I feel like He is calling me to another place right now.  I don’t think that means physically, like moving churches or moving states or anything like that.  I think it is more metaphysical.  I think He wants me to move outside of my comfort zone, or outside of the outside of my comfort zone.  I think He wants me to reevaluate whom I am and what I do, and think about what I can do which I would consider “different” or “difficult”.
I don’t yet know what that is.
That’s a lie.  I have a good ballpark figure on knowing what that is.  But I’m not certain.  And, as expected, it will be a difficult road to walk.  But, anything worth value is going to be hard.  I mean, I’m finishing my degree and actually going hard in my classes because I know at the end of the day it will be worth it.  And because I need it.
Which means that this thing, this pulling that I am feeling is also because I need it.  And that’s a little frightening.  I’m scared.  And rightfully so.  This isn’t something anyone can do.  If it was, then it would be someone else’s problem.  This is a task that I have to do.  And I am afraid to do it, even though I know I am going to end up doing it anyway.
So why?
I’ve been listening to some good Jesus music recently.  (Side note, can we all agree that worshiping God straight up makes any day better?)  And I got this song that I’ve been recently obsessed with.  It’s Surrounded (Fight My Battles) by Upperroom.
Oooh is it good.  It’s really good.  (Listen to it)  And since I’ve been training myself for this past season of my life to fall in love with worship again, it’s even better than if I had listened to it a year ago.  (Seriously, listen to it.)  It ties into Psalm 23, in like the best way possible.  It may look like I’m surrounded, but I’m surrounded by You
Ooooh!  Such a good line.  Like, as a wordsmith (wannabe) I am envious of these lines which are so simple and so poignant and so beautiful.  And that goes beyond the whole song lyric thing.  It goes to poetry, or lines in a story, or quotes by old famous dead people.  Or alive people, I’m not particular unless they are complete asses.
Let’s get back on track. 
I am surrounded by Him.  I may be deep in the valley of the shadow of death.  I may be at the table before my enemies.  But I am surrounded by You.  That is so fucking crazy for me.  Like, I know it, I understand it, and I can recite it.  But knowing it?  That’s a whole separate issue.  It’s like I am trying to memorize the whole freaking dictionary in like a single hour.  It’s impossible.  But when He comes in and decides to park Himself in my heart it is possible.  And that is only if I open myself up.
Crazy as it seems.  Sometimes, just sometimes, we block ourselves off from Him.  Sometimes our hearts are hardened by Him so that when He helps us open our hearts back up we understand just how much He is good and How much we have missed him.  Sometimes we harden our own heart, or we look towards the wrong thing for fulfillment.  And sometimes we just stray away because we aren’t diligent.  So when He comes on in, it’s like a wildfire in a bottle.  It’s like drowning in the open air.  It’s like seeing for the first time.
Words aren’t enough to describe what is properly happening.  It is hard to describe something immeasurable and indescribable into human language.  It’s just.  It’s love.  Pure and simple love enveloping and encircling and embracing and enriching.  And that’s like, the tip of the metaphorical iceberg here.
The other day I was at this dope worship night held at another church.  During the night, I prayed to Him between songs and during the songs when I wasn’t shouting out at the top of my lungs.  I wanted Him to come inside and make me His.  I wanted Him to use me as He saw fit.  I wanted Him to let me serve Him however He wanted to.  And He spoke to me that night.  So I think I know what I have to do.  And that was only because I opened myself up to Him.  Hell, if you think those miracles and visions and glorious things of the Bible only exist in the Bible you are hella wrong.  It happens now.  It happens here.  It can happen to you.
I should do a disclaimer that He won’t just show up cause you want Him to.  There’s a whole period of time between when you say you are ready, and when He is ready.  It’s on his schedule.  So this can happen right in an instant.  Or this could happen months and years and even decades later.
So be prepared for that.  Be prepared for being pushed forward, but on His schedule.  It’s part of what makes faith, faith.  I wait for Him to serve and to guide your life like He just did to me.  Though, I would say that it was much less of a gentle nudge and more of a two-handed shove.  Cause that is what I need.  What you need is something different.  And I don’t know what that is.