2021 Look Back

Hi,

So, uh, I ain’t dead. Haven’t been real active, well, anywhere in the past forever. It’s, uh, a bit of a long story. Well, not really that long, but it feels long in the moment. I’m sure you understand. Or maybe, you don’t. I dunno. I’m not in your mind or anything like that.

So I got this whiteboard hanging on the door, saying when I last wrote on what story. Since I have a bajillion ideas it helps me to see what I had recently worked on, if anything at all. Because according to it, I haven’t posted anything “writerly” or anything like that since April of 2021 at the latest. Uh, last post on Instagram was in April 2021, last thing I put on Facebook was in March of 2021. The last time I posted on here was in early 2020.

Of course, that’s only talking about when the last time I posted something was. I have been writing. Though, the last time I did anything was last year (aye-yo last year joke). So where have I been? As I’ve said it’s a long story.

Uh, my penultimate post (before this one) on here was back in July of 19. Let’s break down where I was as a person: horribly depressed and getting worse. Jobless. My church situation was, well, frustrating at the best of times. I was taking Online classes in the fall of 19 Semester, but it would quickly be shown that I was far too deep in my depresso to actually get any classwork done.

I dropped out in November of 19. And I dropped out of my church responsibilities the same month. I started seeing a therapist. Things were slowly looking up.

Then the world started to burn even more than I had thought possible. Not just my world, not just my little portion of reality, but the world at large. I think you know what kinda shit show I’m referring to. On the off chance someone in the future is reading this and doesn’t know their history and is dreadfully confused, I’m talking about Covid.

Now, I’m part of the “at-risk” population. I’m overweight, I have asthma, there is a history of diabetes in my family. So when the world shut down, I kinda shut down with it. ‘Cause I’m not taking any chances with my health. It’s a shit show out there, even now in 2022, and I don’t think anyone had a good idea of what would happen back when the US shut down.

So I stopped seeing the therapist. I had literally just gotten a job and was in training when the shutdown happened, so I “lost” that too. (uh, very complicated, but long story short I was in training and we went remote. I wanted to work but no one got back to me. So yaaaaayyy.)  So then there is this awkward period where I want to work but I can’t, that I want to do stuff but the things I want to do are very limited. I want to find a new place to worship but because I am “at-risk” I wasn’t going to risk it. Because no matter how much I thought that I would be safe if I got it I wouldn’t play with those chances.

It was a long 2020. Then it became 2021. And it was another long year.

And I still didn’t write much, still didn’t post. Even with all that free time. I know some people look at that and I have a very good idea of what they would say. I don’t really care though. I wasn’t really alive during those months. I just wanted to survive, so everything else took a backseat. As it rightfully should.

So when I look back on 2021 there is a deep sense of shame. There are a lot of stories that I want to put out there and to write and explore and develop. And I didn’t do that. I just kinda, well, coasted. Part of that shame comes from the busy culture that America has, where if you aren’t doing anything you are a failure. Part of that shame is because I know, deep down, that I could have done more.

And as much as I am ashamed, I do have to remind myself that I can be proud.

One of the things I am teaching myself is that it’s okay to fail. That it is okay to mess up. I am also learning that there are victories in that failure, that it isn’t as black and white as I make it out to be.

What else happened in 2021 that I could celebrate those victories?

The vaccine came out. I got it. (Pfizer gang) At that same time, I started looking for a new job, since I was then vaxxed. I got a new job and started working in May. Well, since I had a new job, I didn’t have an excuse not to start seeing a therapist since I had the money then. I’ve been seeing a therapist for over half a year now and it’s honestly probably one of the best decisions I’ve made for myself. And since I was now working, I didn’t have an excuse to go back to college.

See, I wasn’t going to pay through the nose to attend college virtually. Cause quite frankly young people are fucking stupid and they think they are invincible and thus immune to Covid. I wasn’t going to put myself in that kinda dangerous situation.

And since I would be working full time, the only way for me to realistically finish my degree would be to take Online classes. I either excel or I flounder in Online classes. And since I was taking Summer classes (cause why wouldn’t I want to hurt myself even more than I already do,) it would be even harder.

I excelled in those Online classes, and I got my Bachelors. Only took like 10 fucking years but I made it. Depression might have made me drop out, but it certainly didn’t make me give up.

I started working out this year too. Little things though, nothing real difficult. There’s a park nearby where I live, so I would walk a circuit around there. And that was fine and dandy for a while. But this past month I finally bit the bullet and got a gym membership so I can use their bikes so that I could work out that way. Why? 'Cause it’s fucking cold out during winter and if I am to have any momentum in keeping myself somewhat healthy I need to keep at it.

I did return to writing, as hard as it was. But I didn’t post. It finally stuck in my head that at some point I really needed to start treating this seriously, more seriously than I have been. Which meant that I probably should spend more time looking at what I was writing and not blindly putting it up on the Internet for anyone to see. So yea, I have been writing and honing my craft. I’ve been putting serious thought into what I want to put out there on a professional level.

I also returned to reading. I, uh, love reading. But at the same time, I hadn’t read for my own pleasure in years. Depresso wins again I guess. So at the beginning of 2021, I said that I would read at least a book a week. It wasn’t until I started working that I really picked up reading again. Part of that was because I can read on my breaks and on my lunch. Part of it was because I have a bookshelf bursting at the seams of books I have bought but I haven’t read.

I read 80 books in 2021. Some of them good, some of them god awful. Uh, top 5 books/series coming soon(tm).

The problem is with reading is that I wanna read all the books. So, I may have bought more books. My  “to read” shelf is still chock full of books. As is the bag I bring to work each day. And those don’t count the books I have on kindle.

Oop.

I learned a lot about myself this past year. Particularly about my heritage. If you’ve been living in the state of Denial and haven’t acknowledged that there has been a drastic increase in hate crimes against AAPI this past year, then wtf. I mean seriously. What the fuck. You might not care. I do. I followed those numbers and the crimes. Call a spade a spade. Call a racist a racist. Don’t forget to punch a Nazi.

I’m gonna get some flack but I don’t give a fuck. Raised as a Christian, I was essentially taught to forgive others and give people the benefit of the doubt. But when will you stop giving people chances when they clearly don’t change? These past few years definitely taught me to put a line in the sand, a definitive line that isn’t hazy or wavy.

It’s part of the reason that I haven’t joined a new church. I can’t in good conscience join an organization where we disagree on fundamental basic rights. (but let’s be real Covid can suck a bag of dicks I ain’t joining anywhere until things FINALLY calm down.)

I’ve had an awakening of sorts when it came to this “new” side of me. I’m taking more pride in myself and who I am, especially in a country that seems hellbent on deciding that I don’t belong here.

Shang-Chi came out this past year, and I think I saw it three times in theaters. It was so good to finally see someone on the screen that looks like me kicking ass and taking names, and just, well, existing. Growing up I didn’t have any Asian American role models to look up to. I had Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan. It’s hard to find yourself in them as a child when they didn’t exactly speak like you, or do the things that you liked to do. Or, I could look at the very harmful stereotypical and or racist portrayals of Asians in media. Like those were positive role models for me as a child.

I tried to explain this to someone in one of the discord servers I’m in. He had the audacity to say I didn’t try hard enough. First off, fuck that guy in particular. Secondly, who the hell are you to say that I “didn’t try hard enough” as a child? You can’t have a decent conversation with someone who goes off and tries to invalidate everything I’ve been through.

I remember devouring books as a child where the main character looked like me. I remember distinctly two books, one was historical fiction of a young Chinese boy who travels to California during the gold rush. The other was a fiction book of a teenage girl who got magic martial art powers.

Yea, nothing really that resonated with me as a kid.

I remember being pissed that when in 6th grade we were learning about ancient civilizations, and that there were movies that came with each one. But when we talked about China, there was no movie.

…

I have a lot of emotions about this, clearly.

But the fact remains that I am still proud of my heritage and I want to reconnect on a deeper basis.  That’s pretty hard for me for how removed I am from it all, but it’s still something I want to pursue.

So what do I want to do in 2022?

Be better as a person. Learn more about myself. Continue to work hard at keeping myself healthy.

Do I want to continue my education? I kinda wanna get my Masters but is it even worth?

I don’t think I’ll read as much this year. But who knows. There’s a lot of great books out there I haven’t even read yet.

Of course, work on my own mental health to combat the depression and anxiety.

And to bring it all full circle, the whole writing thing that I equally love and hate. I have to note that I am not as busy as I had been in 2021, so I can start to look at writing more and creating more. Which means writing stupid shit and posting it Online for, uh, tens of you to see. That is if I’m lucky. That also means taking a further look at what I want to do more professionally and take further steps in that direction.

Then again, no one might even read this or even care. At the end of the day, though, I’m doing this for myself.