Revelation???

So I wasn’t planning on writing so quickly about this again.  But God does His thing and I kinda have to get on board with it.  So here we go.
To clarify, I will say by Revelation it’s not 'bout the book.  Nor is this about numerous revelations, even though it very well could be.  It’s more of a revolution?  A relation?  An “r” word that I can’t figure out currently.  So Revelation it is.
I’ve been doing a lot of… soul searching?  Is that what we call it?  I’m trying to figure out whom I am and what I am and all that jazz.  If y’all haven’t figured it out yet, I’m in this period of transition, a period between whom I was and whom I will become.  And that’s frightening as hell.  ‘Cause I’m not good with the unknown and the things that make my soul shake with fear and anxiety.
So for the past few months I’ve been trying to narrow down what I love to do and what has been giving me great joy.
1 - Creating
I think that this is self explanatory. I love to create and to do.  Whether that be the stupidest art fart project I have to do for class, or the stories that are lost inside my head, or the stories I play out upon the page.  I love to create stories and enhance them and live them out and love them until they are fully grown.  I love to write.  I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, I only get a high out of two different things.  One is writing.
2 - Jesus
And the second is Jesus.  Also, that should be self explanatory.  I love Jesus.  And this period in my life sucks.  But, He is good.  And all the times that I actively had joy and fulfillment in my life in the past few months has always been within His presence.  Whether that be planning for Prism University, or Sunday Sermons, or the few times I visited Summer’s Best, or even the prayer meetings our church has had.  During the moment I might have been grouchy or dealing with my own issues.  But in retrospect those times are some of the best times that I’ve had.
So what does that mean?
I truly believe that whatever gift I have in writing is completely and utterly because of God.  I truly believe that whatever talent I have in story telling and creating is completely and utterly because of God.  So in my own line of reasoning that means that I am using God’s gifts for me, and thus I am getting joy out it.  That line of thought goes to loving God as well.  When I praise Him in whatever that is, I feel joy.
What does that mean for me?  What is it in my life do I have to do to make Him first in my life?  ‘Cause let’s be honest, as His servant that’s all I can do.  I want to be there for Him, be better for Him, love others like He would love others… I think you get the idea.
What do I have to cut off?  Where did I go wrong in the past?  This isn’t me spiraling into self deprecation and depression (already deal with both, so…) this is me analyzing whom I was so that I can become someone better.  And I think that last night I figured it out a bit.  (Or this past Saturday or whatever time in the past it was, I dunno when this will actually be posted.)
I put a lot of self worth in my job.  And, fun fact, I don’t work there no more.  I had put a lot of self worth in what I was doing there.  So when things hit the shitter and my work life went down the drain that put me down the drain it had gotten to the point where I had to purposefully step away from my job and those whom I loved to work with and the things I loved to do for me to understand that.  And my mental health has been so much better because of it.  I don’t know if it was because of the drugs or because I’m away from the toxic environment, but I feel better.  I just hate that it took a fucking mental breakdown in the middle of work for it to happen.
Though, knowing me, I would have stuck it out because I’m too stubborn, and if God hadn’t moved the way He did then I would still be there and miserable and hating myself.
The other thing I figured out is that I have been missing a mentor role model in my life.  I feel like the last time I had an intentional role model, one that would help me out on a regular basis, was back in high school.  I don’t know if that is true or not, but that is what it feels like for me.  And I wonder if I actually am or am not getting the spiritual fulfillment I need in order to be a healthy person.  Hint: I’m leaning towards no.
I think that is part of the problem that got me in deep waters with work.  (Not saying I was in trouble at work or anything like that, but work with me here on the metaphor.)  I was putting a lot of self worth in my job, because I was looking for acknowledgment in my job and my boss and those whom I look up towards.  Like, literally, cause they are higher up in the corporate food chain than I am.  So I was messing up there and continuously choosing poorly because I was looking for a role model for myself probably in all the wrong places.
Now, not to bash my close friends (once again, y’all know who you are, let’s not kid ourselves about something we aren’t), but I feel like this is something that they can’t help me with.  Most of my close friends are my age or slightly younger.  Few are older than myself.  And they kick my ass into gear and support me and pour themselves into me time and time again.  And I can’t thank them enough for that.  But I don’t think they can give me what I’ve been craving and killing myself over for the past several years.
So finding a mentor figure to help me out I think is my “1st” step into finding out more about myself.  I would say loving God and serving him is still number 1 by far.  Don’t get me wrong.  I think for the first time since I realized I messed up I might be on the right track.
So pray for me, pray with me.  I know that since this revelation(?) of sorts that the evil one is going to be on my ass and trying to get me to mess up and screw up and choose poorly.
So what then is my number two (though let’s be honest, it might not even be a number two cause my numbering system is so wonky)?  I think I should keep on writing and keep on serving God.  Keep on doing that, cause that is what brings me joy.  Keep on doing what makes Him glad.
Does this mean that on top of my goal of becoming a published author that I pursue a life in ministry?  Personally I don’t think I’m cut out to do something like that, working in the church as my 9-5.  But working in the church and volunteering my life away?  I think I can do that.  I think I can get over this burnout phase I have right now and get to serving God in however that is.
But let me get this education thing sorted out first so I can find a new job and I can free up some time to serve Him.  I know it is said to let the dead bury the dead.  Paraphrasing I know.  So I will continue to do what I can right now while also following the passions he has laid upon my heart.  Once again, I plead, pray for me and pray with me.
Because this is a long and winding road I’m on, I’m not going to be done with it for a long time.  So come along with me on this journey.  I think I’ll keep on posting it, even if no one reads it.  Not because y’all need it, but because I need it.