One-Shots: 10

“Early to bed and early to rise makes a man happy, healthy, and wise.”

“Minus the fact I spent all night reading.  I still don’t buy it.”

“Listen, its 10 o’clock and you’re just getting up.  We were supposed to meet an hour ago.”

“And I said I was sorry.  You don’t have anything to do today anywho.  You said that yourself.  So what’s the big deal?”

“I don’t have anything to do because I got up at five to get all the chores done.”

“Well, maybe if you weren’t making such a racket I could get up on time instead of staring at the ceiling all morning.”

“I only clean because you left a mess in the kitchen again.”

“I had to make pasta.  I was watching Mama Mikayla last night and I just had to follow her recipe.”

“Who?”

“Mama Mikayla.  She’s a lil’ ol’ Italian woman in GB who cooks.  She has a late night show running at two in the morning.”

“Never heard of her.”

“That’s ‘cause you’re asleep all night!  She’s practically a national treasure!”

“How can she be a national treasure when she’s an Italian in Great Britain and we live in Illinois?”

“You see, that’s why I shouldn’t have moved in with you.  You have no concept of culture.”

“Me?  Having no concept of culture?  Me?”

“Yea, you.  I bet the only thing you watch are the stupid early morning fitness channels that do yoga and let your breathe in and out all real calm like.”

“…so?  At least it’s better that watching late night cooking shows in a C-rating spot.”

“At least I learn something other than how to stick my head up my ass, which, by the way, I think you mastered wonderfully.”

“Head up my ass?  At least I get up on time and, uh, I don’t know, show up to work on time?”

“That only happened once.  I was sick.”

“If you were up on time then you would have caught your boss calling and leaving a voice mail that you were fired.”

“Bullshit.  I ain’t fired.”

“Sure you weren’t.”

“And how can I trust the word of a guy who doesn’t know who Mama Mikayla is!”

“Uh, I’m your roommate?  I live here with you?”

“I think you just want me fired so you can kick me out and have this place to yourself.”

“How delusional are you?  I asked you to move in with me because the rent is too damn high!  Why would I want to kick you out?”

“Well, maybe you have someone else coming in.”

“There is no one else coming in!  God, what are you, eleven?”

“Says the uncultured swine.”

“You know what?  Forget it.  I’m going to the store myself then.”

“‘Oink oink’ says the pig.”

“…you really are a delusional, aint ya?”

“Oink oink.”