I don't know

The more I think about it, the more I realize I don’t have a fucking clue about anything.  The more I think I can grasp what I have, the more I feel like it’s all crumbling away.  And as you can guess it, I hate feeling like that.  I like the comfortability of knowing what comes next and knowing how things will turn out.  Uncertainty is the bane of my existence.

And right now I am in an uncertain time in my life.  I ‘m not working right now.  I’m in school.  I’m trying to lead a ministry.  I’m trying to be a better Christian and a better man and a better friend.  I’m trying to be better to myself, for myself.  And I feel like I’m constantly failing in each and every regard.

And that scares the proverbial shit out of me.  I’m not saying I’m used to success and not used to hardships (I’ve had my fair share of both, though the hardships I have had can’t necessarily be compared to some of the shit I know some people have faced and are currently facing.  I digress.).  But holy cannoli, I suck at this stuff.  And by that, I mean, well, life.

I keep on trying to be the person I feel that other people want me to be.  Or the person I think they want me to be.  Or the person I want to be.  I don’t know, I really don’t.  I’m no genius when it comes to the minds of those around me.  Hell, I’m barely even in control of my own mind it feels like.  Not saying I’m insane.  Cause I’m not.  But I just don’t know.

As I keep on trying to do the things that I feel like I should be doing, a large knot would form in my stomach when it comes to terms of me doing what I am doing.  A part of me says. “STOP!  Think about it first!  Don’t be too damn selfless for your own good!”

But I am too damn selfless for my own good.  It’s a flaw of mine.  Or a strength.  Depends on the perspective, I guess.  But as I try right now to go through this time in my life I’m struck with the often confusing signals coming from my brain.  “Take charge of yourself!  Be there for you!  But, at the same time, be there for others the same way you always have!”

I think it’s safe to say I’ve got a burden to bear.  I have for my own a quest to try and figure what the hell I need to do with my life.  I’m on the quest to try and figure out who I am as a person, and what I can do to further myself.  And oh dear God that’s hard for me to do.  Cause I want to help and I want to do things and I want to be involved and I want to love others and be a leader and help be an example.  But at the same time… am I even worthy of doing any of those things?

I don’t know.  Maybe I’m just writing this out for myself.  Still gonna post it, anyways.  I think I need a level of accountability that I perhaps don’t have right now.  This is rambling and raw and probably has some sort of spelling mistakes in it despite the fact the Spell Check exists.

I think the only logical thing I can do right now is to pray and pray and pray and pray and try to find some nugget of wisdom in the time I’m stuck awake all night.  I know discernment isn’t my thing, but here I am anyways, trying to answer life’s biggest question: what the hell do I do with my life?

And by life’s biggest question I most certainly mean my biggest question.  Just to clarify.  Cause let’s be real, I’m nowhere near wise enough to think about and ponder those questions.