Bitter Change

I am in a period of transition right now.  And if you know anything about myself, you’d know that like most people I don’t deal with change well.  Like, good change is good.  But change just for change isn’t good in my opinion.  Perhaps I’m just an old soul in that regard.

But as I said, I’m in a period of transition right now.  And not necessarily a good transition.  If you know anything about myself you’d know that I am horrible when it comes self-reflection or anything like that.  So when my life is put topsy turvy and I’m in the middle of change I can’t exactly tell exactly what’s what.

It’s bitter.  I’m bitter.  And that’s how it is.  Another part of being a grumpy old man on the inside, I’m bitter and sometimes more than a little salty.  I’m working on that one, I swear.  For those of you outside of my immediate realm of influence, (I’m talking about the acquaintances and people whom are held at arm’s length and the people whom are living far, far away from me) let me explain briefly what is what right now.

This past semester I couldn’t sign up for classes because of administrative bullshit.  My former boss was fired for reasons, most likely sexual misconduct.  And during this time I finally got a new boss at work, and he’s really good.  But then the higher ups with no brain cells decide that what I do is unneeded, and put me in a new department without asking myself about where I wanted to go.  I worked five years in that particular department.  I was damn good at that job, I could run the show if needed.  And now I feel like I was tossed aside without reason.

Following that, I’ve been in a tough season in life when it comes to my own mental health and my own personal wants and needs.  The Youth Group in which I volunteer went through new leadership, and one of my close friends is now at the helm.  And I am so excited when it comes to his dreams and the vision God has placed upon his heart.  However, I have to play devil’s advocate and say “no” more often than I would like.  Not that I want his vision or dream to fail, I am just perhaps too realistic about things, and I can’t dream too big.

To sum up, my life has been turned upside down in most parts of my life.  And I hate that.  I like my comfort and I like familiar and I like things staying the same.  I guess that’s saying that I like the now, as opposed to the past or the future.  Or even I like the past, the close, immediate past, more than I like what could be.

Change for the sake of change isn’t good.  Change for a good cause is good.

And while this is titled Bitter Change, it does have a “happy” ending.

I once wrote to a close friend of mine, telling her, and I quote:  “You know I am a person who will sit on the fence, hesitant on whom to be or what to do, unless pushed to be someone better.”  As I said, I’m not good with change or introspection.  So when I am literally pushed to one side or another from my comfortable fence, it is a rude awakening.

God has been working things, consistently working things, behind the scenes in my life.  It’s as if he knows there is something greater than myself and I could be.  Last night I attended a worship night, where the message was about the prison we are all in, and how through worship we can be free from the prison.  It’s a poor summary, and its content and delivery were both prime, but it works for the context of what I am writing here.  I believe fully now that God had to first break down the world around me for me to see what I could truly be.

The world that I had, I was holding myself in as my own personal prison.  And that was unhealthy, holding onto all of that just because that was always what I did.  So I am sitting there, listening to the speaker and on the inside I’m freaking out because “Holy Cannoli Why Is It All Coming Together?”  And then we began to worship again, and the tears start coming to me.  Little tears.  Not the big ones.

Then one of my close friends prays for me, saying that God was putting it on his heart to talk to me and pray for me right there.  That was when the ugly crying began.  Straw on the Camel’s back and all.  It took God to break me apart, to give me a message that would hit home, and for Him to straight up talk to me through one of my friends for me to get it.  It doesn’t rain, it pours.  It isn’t a gentle nudge towards one thing or another, it’s a straight up pull to get off my ass and to get moving.

I hate that.  I hate it when he does all of that just to get me moving,  Because if I knew myself better I would have just listened and understood.  Because I hate that he has to do all of that to get me to start listening.  Because, as a writer and creator, I hate that he did it so perfectly when I struggle and struggle to do the same in my own writings.

Ultimately I give major props to my friends for last night, and for the constant support in my own personal life in the past few months.  You guys know whom you are, I ain’t doing call outs or anything like that.  It’s just my style.  But in case I forget to say it properly (which let’s be real is far more likely than not,) thanks for kicking my ass in gear, or waiting for me to get myself moving forward and supporting me when I needed it.

And the resolution?  What is the morale of this whole story?  I have been locked up in a prison of my own making, and it had to be destroyed in a brutal way for me to understand that the only thing holding me back was myself.  Now that I can see, now that I can understand what is going on in my life, I can start the action steps to make myself a better person and a better man of God.  I don’t think that I will straight up become an optimist and start dreaming big or anything of the like.  I’m a realist through and through, which may be a weakness in itself.  But I think I may actually start reaching for my own dreams and be selfish for once, and start really striving for what I want in my life, and for what He wants for my life.

I’m still working on the whole introspection thing, but I’ll try my best.

Also I dunno if I’m going to do more of these on this blog here.  I kinda like it, it’s therapeutic.  I just don’t want to bog down y‘all with the problems I have in my life.  But that could very well be another weakness of myself.

Any who, thanks for reading.

Sorry Not Sorry for the Jesus.